So Much For Earth

What happens when the opposable thumb outweighs the brain? Fun fun fun! Unless, of course, you live here.

Fig. 1

WORST-CASE SCENARIO: THE BP SPILL will kill everything in the Gulf of Mexico. This will be the tipping point for all of Earth’s oceans to die. In 50 years we’ll be wishing for one more breath, if we even live that long.

So much for immortality, rice pudding and Beethoven, not to mention the Cubs’ pennant chances. (Apparently we’ll all die before hell freezes over[1].) And all because we weren’t smart enough to count our blessings before turning them into curses. It’s not like we didn’t see it coming … but it’s hard to really see through a primate program that says Someone Bigger Will Fix This and It’ll All Be Okay, Somehow.

Well, right now, for this, there isn’t anyone or anything bigger than what the hands of man can build. Right now we’re at the mercy of our own inventiveness.

To whomever-from-Elsewhere may find this note: My apologies on behalf of (at least the wiser members of) my species and the others we silenced. We really thought we’d hold it all together long enough to find you, or for you to find us, or at least to become smart enough to solve all of our problems, or at least the pressing ones, or even decide what they were, so you see our difficulty, but that’s all moot now. Enjoy the fruits of what we were and could have been.

And please, despite my own anger, don’t judge us all too harshly. We were only self-domesticated apes after all, choosing expediency over longevity. Let this be a lesson to yours and other species: Always look for the catch — and if you don’t see one, look harder.

PS: And if this sounds defeatist and crabby and depressing to you, why are you just sitting there? Go ahead. Make me a liar.


– [1] To Bill, Stanley, Jay and my other Chicagoan friends– my condolences.
Graphic courtesy of

4 comments for “So Much For Earth

  1. 2010.05.24 at 1026

    Well, that cheered me up.

    • 2010.05.24 at 1029

      That’s 1. Only 6,999,999,999 to go…

  2. 2010.05.25 at 1509

    (optimistic view:) Oh, come one, don’t pretend that you aren’t totally psyched for an end of the world scenario to play out. You’ve preparing for this all your life. I have an extra bottle of water and a couple of bullets. We’ll be fine. It’ll be just like The Road! Hardly wait!!

  3. 2010.05.26 at 0635

    Well, there is that; come to think of it, I have been wanting to try out my new RPG. (I mentioned that to my neighbor, who seemed to think I was talking about D&D. So innocent…)

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