Act of Greed

“THANK YOU FOR CALLING Total Auto, may I help you?”

“Yes, my car was swept away in the recent floods, and I would like to file a claim.”

“I’m sorry sir, but flood coverage isn’t included in any of our policies.”

“I’m sorry?”

“Flood coverage isn’t included in any of our automotive insurance policies. If you look at your policy statement, you’ll see that items such as unanticipated flooding, freak hailstorms, etc., are what we call ‘Acts of God.’ We can’t insure against something like that.”

“Why not?”

“Ah … well. It’s an Act of God. Acts of God are out of our hands.”

“This is ridiculous. I don’t believe in God. And I want my car back.”

“I’m terribly sorry sir, but I really can’t help you.”

“Why not? Are you forcing religion on me?”

“Not at all, but…”

“I think you are. I think you’re forcing me to believe in God to keep from paying up.”

“Sir, I … did you read your policy?”

“Of course!”

“Didn’t you notice the ‘Act of God’ clause?”

“No more than I notice black cats at Halloween or rabbits’ feet on keychains. Why on earth would I seriously pay attention to such nonsense?”

“Well, sir, if you agreed to our terms, there’s really nothing I can do.”

“Let me speak to your supervisor.”

“Yes sir. Thank you for calling Total Auto.” [click] “Yes sir, may I help you?”

“I surely hope so. Why is your company forcing me to believe in God so you can keep my insurance money?”

“… Sir?”

“I have a comprehensive insurance policy. My car was swept away in the recent floods. I want to file a claim.”

“Ah, the ‘Act of God’ clause.”

“Yes, the ‘Act of God clause. The we-don’t-understand-meteorology-so-let’s-blame-it-on-superstitious claptrap clause. I am a proud and sincere atheist. Pay up.”

“Do you use money, sir?”

“I want you … come again?”

“Do you use money?”

“What’s your point? Of course I do.”

“What does your money say, sir?”

“Oho. Nice try, but you can’t …”

“If you use money which says ‘In God We Trust,’ you are giving tacit approval to the concept of Deity. If you were truly sincere in your atheism, you wouldn’t use money at all.”

“Well. I use a debit card, mostly.”

“I see, sir. And what do you think that card represents, sir? Money. Bills and coins. Each and all of which says, ‘In God We Trust.’ That the medium of exchange is digital rather than physical is of little consequence. The fact is that you are trying to deny God in order to acquire something with His name all over it. Which makes you, sir, a hypocrite. We choose not to do business with hypocrites, and so are denying your claim.”

“But I…”

“Thank you for calling Total Auto. Good day.” [click]

5 comments for “Act of Greed

  1. Kathryn Hildebrandt
    2023.07.27 at 1259

    Clever folk, those adjusters.

    This must be someone else’s story, because you’re not atheist, right?

    If I’m an atheist and they make me swear on a Bible, can I perjure myself without repercussions?

    • 2023.07.27 at 1410

      Oh, no! My story entirely. I wrote it some time ago but dusted it off for the ol’ blogoroonie. As for repercussionless swearing, that’s between you and the state. Your secret is safe with me. 😉

  2. Kathryn Hildebrandt
    2023.07.27 at 1412

    Okay, cool ;>)

  3. Audrey Darby
    2023.07.28 at 1000

    loved it. i’m in the process of trying to make a homeowners’ claim for a 6K bill that i had to pay for damaged windows that were installed on my condo when it was originally built.

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