Tag: “Bob”

Cult of the Hidden Joke.

Generational Drift

BY OUR BEST CALCULATIONS, HISTORY began in Sumer when people first started writing things down (there are some examples of probable earlier scripts, but no one’s translated them yet). This would be about 6,000 years ago.

Let’s assume twenty-five years to the generation. That would be four generations per century. Six thousand years is sixty centuries is two-hundred forty generations.

Which means history began with your great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great-grandparents.

Kind of neat to think about.

Taste of Fame

HOW MUCH OF THEIR OWN flavors do, or can, Ben & Jerry’s’ honorees eat? Is there a celebrity discount? Free ice-cream for a lifetime, as long as you eat your own flavor? At what point do you just feed it to the potted plants when no one’s looking? This is where today’s investigative journalists should be spending their time: deep in the dairy freezer, scooping for clues (or as my mentor Daryl Curtis used to say, “We keep digging down to get to the bottom to stay on top.”) I’d say an eat-off is in order, except that Phish Food is named after a band and they’d have an unfair tag-team relay advantage over someone like Willie Nelson or Stephen Colbert. Or Jerry Garcia who, being dead, isn’t quite the foodie he once was.

Dear Hollywood …

Fig. 1.
WHY DO YOU INSIST ON MARKETING to us as though we were all ignorant, venal, cynical, cruel, swinish oafs? We at The Metaphorager decry these loutish generalizations and will boycott the offending generalizers: we may not starve you into submission, but by Golly you won’t be riding to Happy Hell on our hard-earned nickels. Kindly cease and desist with the crotch-humor, the vomiting, the meanness, the glorification of skeeve and sleaze, the recreational character assassination. If you cater to the lowest common denominator, it’ll just get lower.

Your pal, Neal (PS: Have I got a pitch for you!)

How To Wash The Dishes

CLEAN DISHES NOT ONLY LOOK nice, they’re more healthy to eat from. Everyone has their own special method for this daily (or twice-daily) chore, and I’ve found this one to be most efficient in terms of time and water savings:

YOU WILL NEED:
– Large or divided sink
– Drain rack
– Dirty dishes
– Dishwashing soap (I like good ol’ yellow-bottled Crystal White for its inexpensivity and universality)
– Rubber gloves
– Sponge with one soft-scrub side
Continue reading “How To Wash The Dishes”

Gritty Comfortoir

AND AFTER ALL IS SAID and done, and the horrible truth revealed
The bodies taken away, the last question answered
Comes William S Burroughs
(the gravelly graandpa who’s done things the grownups won’t let you ask him about).
“Interdimensional Alka Seltzer,” he says, proffering a grey fizzing mug,
and sits down beside you.
You take the cup.
He speaks volumes with his eyes
(they’ve seen it all, long before you were born)
but his mouth only says
what you wish it always wouldn’t:
“That’s just the way it is, Out Here.”

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