THIS METHOD OF QUIETING DIAPHRAGMATIC spasms was gifted to me by the remarkable Ann Autumn, one of my favorite teachers and a good person to have at your back. It is simply this:
1. Fill a glass with water.
2. Bend over it and put your mouth on its farther rim (i.e., the one opposite your body).
3. Close your nose and drink at least three swallows of the aforementioned water, with upside-down head, from the aforementioned rim. Repeat if necessary.
4. Enjoy the silence.
(And yes, I do prefer the archaic spelling. What of it?)