Fiction: Act of Who?

“THANK YOU FOR CALLING TOTAL Auto, may I help you?”

“Yes, my car was swept away in the recent floods, and I would like to file a claim.”

“I’m sorry sir, but flood coverage isn’t included in any of our policies.”

“I’m sorry?”

“Flood coverage isn’t included in any of our automotive insurance policies. If you look at your policy statement, you’ll see that items such as flood, hailstorms, sinkholes, etc., are what we call ‘acts of God.’ We can’t insure against something like that.”

“Why not?”

“Ah … it’s an act of God. Acts of God are out of our hands.”

“This is ridiculous. I don’t believe in God. I want my car back.”

“I’m terribly sorry sir, but I really can’t help you.”

“Why not? Are you forcing religion on me?”

“Not at all, but…”

“I think you are. I think you’re forcing me to believe in God to keep from paying up.”

“Sir, I…”

“Do we live in a free country or not?”

“Ah…”

“Well?”

“Sir, did you read your policy?”

“Of course, when I signed it.”

“Didn’t you notice the ‘act of God’ clause?”

“No more than I notice black cats at Halloween or rabbits’ feet on keychains. Why on earth would I seriously pay attention to such nonsense?”

“Well, sir, if you signed the policy, there’s really nothing I can do.”

“Let me speak to your supervisor.”

“Yes sir. Thank you for calling Total Auto.” (click, pause, click) “Yes sir, may I help you?”

“Yes, I’m having difficulty understanding why your company is forcing me to believe in God so you can keep my insurance money.”

“… Sir?”

“I am a subscriber to your full-coverage policy. My car was swept away in the recent floods. I want to file a claim.”

“Ah, the ‘act of God’ clause.”

“Yes, the we-don’t-understand-meteorology-so-let’s-blame-it-on-superstition clause. I don’t subscribe to such nonsense. Pay up.”

“Do you use money, sir?”

“I … come again?”

“Do you use money?”

“What’s your point? Of course I do.”

“What does your money say, sir?”

“Oho. Nice try, but…”

“Not at all, sir. If you use money which says ‘In God We Trust,’ you are giving tacit approval to the concept of Deity. If you were truly sincere in your atheism, you wouldn’t use money at all.”

“I use a debit card, mostly.”

“I see, sir. And what do you think that card represents, sir? Money. Bills and coins, all of which say ‘In God We Trust.’ That the medium of exchange is virtual rather than numismatic is of little consequence. The fact is that you are trying to deny God in order to acquire something with His name all over it. You, sir, are a hypocrite. We choose not to do business with hypocrites, and so are cancelling your claim.”

“But…”

“Thank you for calling Total Auto. Good day.”